Just some thoughts about Sally Rooney's book Conversations with friends

At the begining, i would just like to note that these are just my thoughts that come to my mind after reeding this, also it half past eleven in the evening, and they are mostly for myself. so if you are reading this, please dont take it too seriously and ignore the gramatic mistakes.

I just finished reading "Conversations with friends" by Sally Rooney. Honestly, i read it whole in one day, and at first i did not thing much about it. It is just normal story of a life of one girl. Moreover, a girl who is sleeping with a married man and she knows it. For this at first i quite judged it. But also i was quite aware that if i stop reading, i might never continnue. Although i should admit that this was most likely also because of the writing style.

But now to my thoughts about this book, because it definitely made me think. Firstly, about the fact that most things are just man made terms. Can a person love more than one person romantically? When two people like to spend a lot of time together, they kiss occasionally or sleep together, why is it immediately called dating? I thing this is merely for the clarity of the people, and not event he observers, but the direct participants. The society did make these norms to keep everyone in comfort, because not knowing something and uncertainty inevitably comes with the feeling of not being secure, worrying and stress, which are feeling we tend to avoid. Yet, this all wouldn't be needed if people just talked with each others. If the partners did talked together, shared the goals and expectations for the relationship. Another thing that would hugely help the whole world would be if people were more open minded. Why does everyone care so much? And don't take me wrong, caring is not bad. But like why does it matter for some people if on is black or white, gay or straight, male or female? These concepts, man made concepts, which are used to judge and put people in certain categories. But why cant people just say i want to bet his and that, and the others should either not care, because to be fair, i tis none of their business, mind your own life, or, if the other are close to the person, they should respect it and be considerate about it. I really liked the example of this in the movie Love, Simon. What does it matter if your child is gay or straight? Like they are still your child, a human being, that you carried nine months in your womb and raised them for many years. Like how could you be so mean about it, so critical, or even throw them from your home, just because they love a person of another gender (which is btw also just man made concept). Like the person is the same as the one you spent half of your life with, giving them your love and time (ideály). You should want happiness for them, and as long as they are happy, than you should be satisfied with that.

But by this I quite dialated from my first thought, the book. What I really liked about this was how the author quite in detail described the relationship with her best friend. It wasn't just one problem or an argument with an happy end as it is in the American moves. No, there were many ups and downs, sometimes even secrets, lies ad so, because that is what a true friendship looks like. And although there wasn't even that much of it, I still feel like it was described in detail. It also made me thing, how bad am I in communication with my own friends. Like honestly I don't think I had a real deep conversation with them, where I would share how I feel. And even if I did, either it wasn't deep or it was merely a happy experience, because I feel like I don't have idk. Like lately I thought about how I perceive my close friends – and I love them unconditionally, like I really love them so much. I am not sure if they know, I probably should have showed it more, but that is a different story. It made me also think how they perceive me – and I honestly cannot imagine them liking me. Like why? I am not special, I am not that funny, or confident, in fact I can be very awkward. Like I genuinely cannot see someone liking me. Most of them, I feel like they just politely tolerate me. This might be also why I am more quiet, scared to show more of myself. I am afraid that one think could change the whole way they perceive and they could stop liking me. And I don't want that. I am scared of that. Basically I am a chronic people pleaser. The only people I feel really comfortable with is my family, and I think that is because I feel like since we are bond by blood, you cant really leave me. And of course, they technically could stop talking to me and so, but still. I feel like: you are bound to like me, because we are family. I really like the one qote from the book, which is an advice Nick gives the main heroin, which says something along- you should lie or just not tell your friend only I order for them to keep some image of you "What you're doing now is deceiving her just for the illusion of control, which probably isn't worth it." Basically I just want to be in control of what others perceive of me in order to keep them in my life, liking me.

And I know the simplest advice I heard so many times would be: "Just be yourself and your people will find you!" like I am sorry but it is not that easy. Like being the way I am is programmed deeply into me and I cant just easily change that. I have a huge fear of people judging me. But at the same time, it is weird. Like I don't mind falling on street full of people, like yes, it would be a bit embarrassing, but I wouldn't care any more, because it literally doesn't matter, and I won't see any of those people ever again. But with people closer to me, its different. Its like you will continue being in my life, but you wont like me anymore and you will judge me! And even this thought, like when I imagine it, I think it is not that bad, like I think I would managed, yet I literally physically cannot do anything with it. like I can't be myself. I cannot. I am like overly secure person, and it is sometimes hard. Because sometimes I can feel people judging me for that, and I fucking hate myself when I see this, because like they're judging me for something that is not even the 100% true me, and yet I cannot be myself. It is really annoying.

Wow I just wrote over thousand words, this is quite nice lol.

Basically I should try to be more open and vulnerable with my friends, like I know they love me (I mean I hope they do, since they sticked for me for so long)